At Peace...

So, it's Saturday night. And I'm home instead of out: with friends, other couples, with DH. And I'm content. I'm (almost) 31 and I never thought I'd be this age and content. That I'd be happy with my life, my job, my future.

There are things I'd change in a heartbeat.

Sitting here in my office, geeking on the 'Net, DH across the room playing a video game and both dogs sleeping on their beds, I can't think of anything that would make this better. Oh yeah -- having kids, having an agent, a publishing contract, no mortgage and a peanut butter/chocolate ice cream sundae. But I'm not stressing out about those things. I am working like crazy to get all of the above, especially the sundae. And on any given day I could obsess about them, but I'm not stressing like I did just a few months ago.

I think it all goes back to December. DH and I had been trying to get pregnant for months and the little test strip finally turned pink. Five home tests and one doctor visit later and we learned it was a homerun. And two weeks later, I started bleeding and we lost the baby. I had to really evaluate what I wanted in my life: if we never have biological children, am I alright with that? If we turn to IVF, surrogates or adoption am I okay with those options? If none of the above work and it's DH and me from now on, is that okay? And I came to a realization: I have been blessed with a wonderful family already (we make a pretty good pair, DH & I), we have wonderful nieces and nephews. And if none of the rest happens, I still have my family. Adding kids is the whipped cream on top of the peanut butter/chocolate sundae. So, how did I come to thi realization?

I think it was three months of innumerable tests that never gave a reason as to why I miscarried. It was just one of those things that happen. Bad things happen to people all the time, and if you don't come to terms with them and move on, the bad things can take over. I know. I let a bad job a few years back completely change my personality -- I stopped writing, I was unhappy and making everyone around me unhappy until I finally listened to what DH and my friends were telling me: if you're this unhappy, quit. Get a job at a gas station, a store, or wherever. If I'd kept wallowing in the bad job, the unhappiness, I'd probably be divorced, still in the bad job and without a friend in the world. I wouldn't be writing, wouldn't be making a life for myself.

What I'm saying is, my life isn't complete, but it's getting there and I've discovered what is really important to me: my family, my writing career, my friends. All of the above make a good life and until something makes me physically stop on any of them, I'll just keep struggling along, making progress, moving backward.

And being at peace.